ZachFart

To Squeeze or Not To Squeeze?
Written by Zach Erick

There comes a time in every lifter’s life to make a decision we all must face. To squeeze or not to squeeze? That is the question. I am here to liberate you all! No longer must you break parallel in fear of passing gas. Let it out I say! How many times have you done Fran holding in what must be free? Never again will I complete a set of back squats holding my flatulence until I finally have a 10 foot radius around me. Farting is as natural as squatting so the two must live in harmony of one another. Do not be embarrassed when harmony sings its song “PFFFTTTT!”

Seriously though, sometimes you just have to fart. Especially when you are testing out that new pre-workout or whey protein. Instead of feeling like you have a brick in your stomach for the entire workout just let it out. If you’re embarrassed of it making a sound, fear no more, here are some tips and techniques to fart anonymously while working out.

1) The Scream – This technique will only work if you have a decent amount of weight on the bar. You will not fool anybody trying to do “The Scream” during the Burgner warm-up. The Scream is simple, you fart, you scream. The scream will mask the noise and you can continue banging out sets of Thrusters, Cleans, Goblet Squats, etc. The scream is my go to if I have a lot of pressure built up waiting to be released.

2) The Count – Another great masking technique unless you have a lot of pressure built up in your stomach. This is for your more modest farts. People are going to think it is a little odd if you start yelling out what rep you are on in no particular order, so save “The Count” for the gas you can control.

 

3) The Clap – Not lifting weight? No worries! The clap is there for you. Let’s say you’re huddled into the white board while the coach is explaining the workout, when you are feeling the urge, just clap! You are just a motivated individual ready to get your pump on, nothing wrong with that. The clap is also great for when you are motivating other members or warming up.

4) The Truth – Sometimes, there is a battle being waged in my stomach and no way to hide the fact that I have some serious gas. When this happens the truth is there to set you free. Just tell the people working out around you your situation and that you are terribly sorry. Try to situate yourself so that there is nobody behind you. If there is somebody behind you, make use of the orange cones and set-up a perimeter, letting the people know to enter at their own risk.

I encourage everyone to try these techniques next time they are working out. Trust me, it’s hard enough doing CrossFit, don’t make it any harder than it needs to be. Next time you see someone counting their reps in no particular order, or screaming every time they go below parallel, you can give them the secret nod of encouragement to let them know they are not alone.

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Parker Auld
Parker Auld
June 20, 2014 6:45 am

Haha this is great!!

Harvey Berger
Harvey Berger
June 19, 2014 9:51 pm

Next article ….. belching!

Josh Clarke
Josh Clarke
June 19, 2014 2:30 pm

Amazing, truly amazing.

Kyle Blackman
Kyle Blackman
June 18, 2014 9:58 am

By far the best blog post ever.

Harvey Berger
Harvey Berger
June 18, 2014 9:34 am

Notice, Nichole, that I kept you in the background in my article. Having worked with me for the last 4 years, you could theoretically challenge my suggestion that I have gotten fartisically better…and that would not be a good thing!!!

I might lose all my Invictian friends!

Anne
Anne
June 18, 2014 9:17 am

Fantastic 🙂

Javier
Javier
June 18, 2014 7:19 am

Best blog post EVER!

Karla Nicole (NorthWest)
Karla Nicole (NorthWest)
June 17, 2014 11:44 pm

Hilarious!

Joshua Pester
Joshua Pester
June 17, 2014 10:16 pm

Lmao, well done fellas.

Harvey Berger
Harvey Berger
June 17, 2014 9:24 pm

“EXPLODE FROM THE BOTTOM!” (a/k/a I follow instructions by Michelle Vieux) I COULD NOT DISAGREE WITH ZACH MORE: A fart is something to be relished, cherished, and dignified, not hidden, covered up and to be ashamed of. For those of you who do not know me, I am somewhat of an expert on the subject. I first studied the art of crepitation in college. In the early 70’s at SUNY at Stony Brook, there was an annual, standing-room-only crepitation contest. While I never competed, I studied the contestants and their techniques very closely (but from a distance.) These were the… Read more »

Nichole DeHart
Nichole DeHart
June 18, 2014 5:02 am
Reply to  Harvey Berger

Hahahahaha oh my gosh Harvey, one of your post comments EVER!

Lindsey Johnson
Lindsey Johnson
June 18, 2014 9:35 am
Reply to  Harvey Berger

hahaha Harvey This should be a blog post all on it’s own!!!!

Dan Gerrity
Dan Gerrity
June 18, 2014 12:25 pm
Reply to  Harvey Berger

I miss you guys and all of these shenanigans!

Cj Martin
Admin
Cj Martin
June 18, 2014 10:12 pm
Reply to  Harvey Berger

I agree with Linz, this could be it’s own fantastic blog post!

Joseph Caruso
Joseph Caruso
February 15, 2015 6:28 am
Reply to  Harvey Berger

I too remember these contests! The family roars every time I bring this up. Thanks for helping me reinforce my sanity!